I’ve come to terms with the idea that I’ll never stop feeling guilty. “I should have listened more intently while my son was telling me about the dwarf planets today.” “I definitely could have differentiated that math lesson better.” “I’ve gotta start getting my kids to eat more fruits and veggies.” “My house is a mess. My kids are going to grow up to think living like a slob is ok.” “I should be home teaching my own kids instead of teaching in a classroom.” “I should spend every free moment with my children.” “I should call and text my friends more.” “I should read through that Lucy Calkins writing curriculum again.” “I definitely could be a little more attentive to my husband than I am.”
I. Suuuuck. At. This. All of it! I am constantly overwhelmed and drowned in my own thoughts of how I could be doing better. All the while, from the outside, I guess (or I hope) I look like I have it all together. All the while, I get complimented on how cute my classroom is or great my classroom procedures are. All the while, I get comments on my Instagram and Facebook posts about how inspiring I am. I can not lie. I live for the compliments. They truly keep me going! Most times I don’t know how to respond to a compliment though because, I believe I am undeserving of it. In this exact moment, my 5 year old is hugging me and saying “I love you mommy,” while I type behind him. Multitasking beast I am… I just told him to go sit down. See… I’ll regret that later.
I guess the truth of the matter is, there is no such thing as perfection. For some reason, I am very patient with other people. I am an extremely forgiving and understanding person, constantly reminding myself that each and every person on this planet is human and has their own flaws, even though I struggle with accepting my own mental limitations. I guess I could chalk it all up to my (“diagnosed”) anxiety.
All of us moms, and teacher moms, and stay at home moms, and working moms, are all drowning. And I guess we should all feel that our own guilt is a measure of our success. Guilt can be a measure of a desire to grow, a desire to achieve, a desire to be the best in everything that we have committed to. We want to be the best in our careers, the best wives, the best friends, the best moms, but what does that even look like? What does the “best” mom look like? What does the “best” teacher look like? It’s all pretty subjective, if you ask me.
Some days I don’t want to talk about the planets for the 30th time. Some days I’m just too tired to play with my kids. Some days I’m just too exhausted to cook a healthy meal (most days)… But I hold on to the idea that God has equipped us with exactly what we need to handle the blessings He has given us. My children are mine because He felt I could best handle and teach them. My job position is mine because He felt I could best manage it. I told a friend not too long ago, “Just do the best you can, in that moment. That’s really all anyone can do.” As long as we are constantly striving to reach our goals, to be the best, or to just make it to the end of the day; as long as we don’t give up, we’re doing it! We’re being amazing! So the next time you’re feeling like me and thinking, “I suck at this,” just keep going!